Substance Abuse

Despite the fact that the voice in my head, at the moment, belongs to Sarah Jessica Parker, as her award winning character from Sex and the City, I do not have Multiple Personality Disorder. There are only two imaginary voices I hear while I write: Carrie Bradshaw and Oprah Winfrey. It doesn’t matter that Carrie is a fictional heroine, or that Oprah is a real one. It’s just part of my creative process. Today, I hear Carrie.

Since the beginning of the Sex and the City series, I’ve identified most with Carrie, except for the fashion and hair. I’m a writer. When I was youngish and single, I had an apartment in New York City, and I’ve always enjoyed and valued the camaraderie of my close women friends. Conversely, the major difference between me and Carrie is that my husband was a much easier catch than Mr. Big.

I’m unexpectedly swept up in a wave of worry, to the extent, that I feel like a neurotic character in a Woody Allen film. The assortment of concerns are plentiful and not without some good points.

Now, think of Carrie Bradshaw’s voice-over as she writes her column.

Can giving regular, lengthy, delicious oral sex wear down (or off) the skin of your partner’s private epidermis?

There is merit to my many fears. I’ve never fully researched the ingredients in the substances I’ve enjoyed and recommended. Sour Patch Kids gummies, for example, have a very rough sour-sugar coating, much like sandpaper. Too many Sour Patch Kids could easily wear down sensitive skin. Atomic Fireballs are hot cinnamon suckers that can burn a mouth if overdone. Fruit Roll-Ups require a great deal of oral action to fully remove them from delicate nether skins. And what’s in those chocolate calcium disks anyway?

Other than potentially corrosive ingredients in made-to-be-edible products, my concerns include the material used in flavored condoms. Allergies to latex are common; and artificial flavors and colors couldn’t possibly be without risk. Furthermore, tongues are somewhat rough and can be irritating to delicate tissue if used to excess. And don’t forget how terrible chapped lips can feel. I could go on, but I think these are enough worries for one day.

Clearly, too much substance enhanced oral sex can be hazardous to your health. The dual danger is that substance abuse can damage the giver’s mouth as well as the receiver’s genitalia if prudence is not exercised. Though substances can be Fun, Fun, Fun, using them wisely requires Caution.